Is there really sex after birth?

If you are not having it, I bet your husband is hassling you for it or he’s quietly disappointed. If you have had it, you just weren’t ready and are hoping that this time will hold him over for a while. Finally you probably are having it and loving it. We all fall into some category regarding sex after having children. If you fall in to the first two categories what do you do? How do you get over the hump? I will talk about some suggestions that I have done and that others have suggested to aid in such at time as this.

The first thing that should be done is to talk to your mate. Communication is very important in a relationship and when done correctly can solve most, if not all, of relationship issues. Find out what is making you not want to be intimate with your mate. Maybe you don’t feel sexy, maybe you are just tired all the time, or it could be sex is the last thing on your mind when thinking about work, the family and household chores. Whatever it is you must find out in order to over come this hurdle. I must say I did take this advice. I felt bad that I was neglecting my husband, and although he has been nothing but patient with me, I felt that he was secretly disappointed. One night I just talked with him, and told him I don’t feel sexual. I don’t feel like I did prior to the baby. My body is no longer a sexual being, it is now a dairy farm and that is just not sexy. Thinking about being intimate when I was just used for nourishments is very confusing. I don’t have a switch that is turned off and on, although that would be so much easier. My husband was very receptive to my thoughts and concerns. Once you have reached that point it is very important to let your mate know what he can do to help and ladies, be specific. Think of the things that he use to do that got you excited. Whether it’s sneaking a grab at your butt while in the store, or sneaking a kiss when he walks by, or sending text messages during the day, let him know. Talking this out can help him understand what you are going through and not feel rejected.

But ladies, don’t leave it up to the guy to get you going. Sometimes we want to simply feel sexy without the thought of having to have sex. If that’s the case, then you have to learn how to turn on that “sensual switch”. Once the little one is down for the night (or maybe a few hours) put on a sexy lingerie and drink water, juice, or anything out of a wine glass. Your mate may not be around or already sleep, but it will help remind you that you do have a sensual side. If your mate is home, he may want to help bring that side out of you. Another idea is stop wearing your maternity clothes and/or under garments. I must tell you I have been so guilty of that. While pregnant, my maternity clothes made me feel good and sexy, but now the feeling is the complete opposite. Here a few more ideas:

□ Belly dancing – it’s a very sexy dance, and a great way to exercise. Exercise helps to boost your energy and your self confidence.

□ Have a date night – it’s very important that you and your mate remember the relationship between the two of you and continue to nourish that relationship. It’s so easy to forget about that when caring for the kids.

□ Just do it – Sometimes you need to just go ahead and put all your fears aside and do it.

Remember having sex is not to make your husband happy. The intimacy is needed for you as well. Mothers need to remember that they are not just mothers. They are Women and women love to feel sexy, sensual and intimate. It’s another way to help take care of yourself and grow the sensual side of you. What do you do to bring that sensual woman out of you?

F.P.E.

Are You Ready For a Relationship? (Crosspost)

How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love more than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!

Song of Songs 4:10

I have quite a few friends that will love to be in a relationship. They would love to have that one person that they can be with and not have to worry about being a lone. I tell all single women “you are single right now for a reason, enjoy your time alone.” This is a statement most single women would not want to hear, especially coming from a woman who is married or in a strong relationship. I have to admit I didn’t want to hear this either, but now that I’m married with 2 kids I completely understand why that is said.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and children. They are God sent. I believe that my husband was specifically picked for me and my children mean the world to me. I would do anything for them. But there are times where I wished I didn’t have to care so much about so many people. The spontaneous side of me has completely left. I cannot do anything last minute because I need to find a sitter or make sure my husband is not busy that same night. I can’t’ just travel the world for lengths of time because I have a family to come home to. I also can’t just spend all my money on me because I have children that need to eat, needs clothes and other items. Oh just to have that taste of freedom one more time. But every morning before I get ready for work, I look at my 3 month old, and all the wants of me, me, me, me just disappears. As I look at my husband I realize how lucky I am to not wonder how he feels about me or are we in a relationship yet. If the ring on my finger does not give me that information than I don’t know what will. As I watch my 12 year-old get ready to catch the school bus, I realize how much I enjoy him growing up right before my eyes. I can see right in front of me the stages of his development from a child to an adolescent to a teen, to an adult. The thoughts of the single life quickly disappear.

Those thoughts disappear so quickly because I have been there and done that and now I can “delight myself in the love” of my family. While I was single I really enjoyed my time. I enjoyed figuring out what makes me happy and what I don’t like. I enjoyed traveling to places that I would never pick to go on my own. I enjoyed dating whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I even enjoyed not dating. I enjoyed the sense of self that I felt when I walked into my own apartment. And because I was lucky enough to really enjoy this time, I can really enjoy my marriage and kids. Can you really look at your life and say wow, I have done all that I am going to do as a single person? I can, the only thing to enjoy now is a husband, and kids. Sometimes we as women may dream of being a mother and wife, and watching our friends and family achieve the things that we want the most can be so heart breaking. However, know that because you are seeing it right before your eyes it is close for you. Remember don’t forget to enjoy the life you have now as you wait for the life you dreamed of. Just because it is not your dream life doesn’t mean it can’t be a good life. Don’t work to hard to achieve the relationship of your dreams, where you forget to enjoy the relationships along the way. Those relationships are teaching you and helping you for that long lasting relationship.

Thank you,

F.P.E.

To Be or Not To Be: A Social Butterfly

It’s been 3 months since my child was born and I am just itching to go out and have a good time. Prior to being pregnant I didn’t go out much but I had the luxury to go out when ever time and finances allowed. It was always fun to just hang out with the girls or even my husband and just relax. Entertainment is something we all need in order to get away from the problems, issues, or concerns of our day to day routines. So now that I’m 3 months post partum I’m ready to go out and all I hear is you have a two month old (now 3 months). Why is being a social butterfly so controversial for parents?

Once you decide to have a child you are told your life changes and the “you as you know it is no more and your life now should be focused on your child. But is that really the case? Does anyone else long for the “you” that you use to know? It may just be a case of wanting your life back and things being back to “normal” but whatever it is, it is gnawing at you and making you an unhappy mom and/or wife. Is it really bad to want to go out with friends once a month or maybe even once a week? Am I really doing my child an injustice by leaving her at the sitter while I get some well needed entertainment outside of my household? And am I being a bad parent or am I being a good parent by allowing myself to blow off some steam so I can give my child the love he/she needs.

I currently struggle with this item as we speak. I sometimes feel sad that I allow myself to as if I am the primary parent and therefore feel reluctant to enjoy life outside of my family. My family should give me enough fun, and entertainment that I need. Why do I need to look elsewhere? In some way I feel as if I’m hurting my stepson, newborn, and husband by enjoying life without them. However, I so miss going out with my friends, and being free to up and go as I please. Now don’t get me wrong, my husband is all for me to go out and he’ll watch the kids, but I would feel like it’s all my fault if something should happened and I was out partying.

I personally do not feel there is nothing wrong with going out and enjoying life even if it is once a week. A few of my friends are single parents (my husband was prior to our marriage) and I realized that going out wasn’t a way for them to get out of being a parent, but it allowed them to do something else for a moment so they can be reenergized for their children for the next month, or next week. If we surround ourselves with our kid’s life we can create a loneliness and emptiness in our lives that can lead to many different directions as our young ones get older. We may end up trying to live life through our kids, we may wake up one day and realize how empty our life is because we focused so much on our child that it can in some way lead to depression. As long as your child is being taken care of by a well trusted person then do what you have to do to keep your sanity so you can be All Women to your family.

Who am I? Maintaining Your Identity

As young women we have an idea of who we are, what we want to be, and what we want to accomplish by a certain time and/or age in our lives. These goals and ideas will most likely change as we get older, as life happens, or as we achieve them and have to make new ones. But what happens when you wake up one day as a single parent, a wife or both wife and mother and you realized that you have not accomplished any of your goals and dreams and you realized life has just passed you by.

This scenario has happened to me. I have had many dreams and goals. I have accomplished a few of them and some of them have been revamped. But it wasn’t until I watched my husband and a close friend of his start their own business (World Record Basketball) that I realized that I lost my identity. I looked at my husband coming home from work (when I’m up anyway) and see the excitement in his eyes and the passion he has for kids and basketball. I can hear the enthusiasm in his voice as he talks about and dream about how things are going, how they are going to be and where they plan on taking this business. It’s extremely exciting and I find myself trying to fit myself into his world. Do you need an assistant, who’s going to manager this, whatever it is I’m trying to see how I can fit in his business? I know if someone refers to my husband it would not be as a father or a husband, but a business man. When I thought of how someone would describe me it would be as a wife and a mother. That’s how I started to think of myself. But why and is that it? Am I only going to be know as the business man’s wife and the mother of his kids? What happened to all my dreams and goals? I realized that I was a working mother of two and a wife. Not that there is anything wrong with that and that should certainly be enough, but it’s not. I want my dreams, goals and aspirations as well. I want to feel like I’m someone beyond the household.

So now what? I realized that I know longer exist, that I am just someone’s mom and someone’s wife and I have a daily (boring) routine that re-emphasizes this every day. How do I get myself back and maintain myself? I decided to stop. I didn’t stop being a mom or a wife, I stopped trying to fit myself into his and their (kids) lives. I started to use every available time (like the commute to and from work) to think about me and all the things I wanted to accomplish. Once I did that, I wrote them down and I also wrote down why I wanted these things. I then started to figure out a plan on how to smoothly (key word smoothly) integrate this into my life. I run the “me” side of my life like a business and I am the CEO/Founder/Owner. I make sure my personal assistant (my PDA) has all my important dates, thoughts, and meetings. I set aside time twice a month for my programs and/or writings. I realize that I don’t have to work on everything at the same exact time and as long as it’s getting accomplished and progressing I am maintaining and growing me (my identity).

It is so important that we don’t get lost in our day to day routine. It’s so easy to neglect our dreams while we allow others to pursue theirs or as we provide for our little ones. If your dream is to be a mom and wife that is great and there is nothing wrong with that. Be the best mom and wife you can be. However, I know for me that was never my dream and goal, but it is apart of who I am now so I have to adjust my identity to fit that and not let that dictate my identity.

Stay Blessed,

F.P.E.

Going Back to Work

As you all may know, I got married a year ago and it change my world. I instantly moved from a single working woman, to wife, step mom, and working women. If that wasn’t enough, I topped it all off by having my wonderful baby boy in August. I recently went back to work and I’m doing a lot better this week. Last week was extremely tough for me. Although my husband works in the evening, therefore he is with the baby during the day, I felt that my presence was needed. The first day I was teary eyed leaving the house, the second and third day was better, but that fourth day was the hardest. I cried all morning and could not get it together. How do I manage having approximately 4-5 hours with my entire family a night and manage to get myself together. The realization of this was so depressing and overwhelming. How do women do this?

I find that the above comment is a serious concern for many women, whether they are a new parent, new wife, or have a new job. Growing up, and even recently, I hear repeatedly that women cannot have it all. If she has a successful career, then her home was lacking, if she had a successful home, then her career was lacking. I on the other hand refused to believe we cannot have both at the same time. Now that I’m in that situation, I wonder if I should eat my words. I strongly believe that we women can have it all and be successful. If you are a woman who wants it all, don’t want it all, or just want a piece of it, then this blog can be for you. Please feel free to join in with your response to my blogs on your feelings, concerns, and issues about being All Women.

After talking with close friends and family, I needed to take a step back and seriously evaluate the situation. I did not want to continue to feel sad and overwhelmed about everything on my plate and I did not want to fall into depression. That was not going to help me, my situation, or my family. I was given some great advice from friends and family and I would like to share them with you. We women have to be willing to take a break so that we can evaluate the situation with and objective mind. We do not want to lose ourselves in this process.

We women give so much to others but put ourselves last. Our nurturing spirit allows this to be very easy for us. However, it also allows us to feel bad, and selfish when attempting to do something for ourselves. We need to understand that our well being is most important, because if we are not happy then we can’t get the job done and others around us will be unhappy. My first step to getting my sanity back was committing to changing my eating lifestyle. I have a healthy weight in mind and I’m determined to achieve it. By doing this, I have to cook more (I hate cooking) and be more conscience of what I’m putting into my body. I decided to do weekly menus. This helps me tremendously because now I know what I want to pick up at the grocery store and I don’t have to worry about what to eat. I also, get my clothes ready for the week on Sunday nights, this prevent me from wasting time in the morning having to think about what I need to wear. I also incorporated a little beauty regimen so I can feel sexy. I get my eyebrows done once a month. It is important that we remember to do something special for ourselves. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant and expensive, just something to make you feel good about yourself.

Now, the above ideas are not the end all be all, and I do not swear by this. This is what has been working for me and my family it may not work for you and yours, but be willing to find what will work for your individual personality and family. Remember Life happens, we get sick, we get tired, and we can’t accomplish all that we set out to do, so don’t beat yourself up for not getting things done. Flexibility is another item I have implemented in my routine.